525,600 minutes

just watched "Rent" and am speechless. wordless, i guess. i suppose i'll have to sleep on all the things about love, poverty, sexuality, acceptance, addiction, HIV/AIDS, losing your way, finding it again... and not much at all about paying rent. i don't want to write a movie review so i won't.

Blessed is She

I have this friend. she's one of those persons that you don't ever remember actually meeting, she's just always been a part of your life. she's that person that is always available just when you need something, or someone to make your life bearable. she's that person who can make you cry with laughter over terrible body humor. she is spirited. she's that person who can be honest with you because she really doesn't know how to be insincere. she is kind. she is beautiful. she can do anything she wants. she is passionate about her family - to a fault. she is patient. she is noble. she is strong. she's that person who can endure.

i worry about her however, because as much as she takes care of everyone around her, she doesn't seem to know how to take care of her own needs. i can tell you what she needs... she needs to spend some time with herself. she needs to take a drive to somewhere she loves with the music blaring and nothing to take her attention. she needs to have a massage. she needs to be pampered. she needs to have someone tell her how much she is appreciated. she needs to sleep in and not worry about a thing if she does. she needs to look in the mirror and recognize all that i see in her.

and then i wonder if she'll ever recognize that beauty in herself. i wonder if she'll ever feel worthy. i wonder if she'll ever feel the love that she deserves. i wonder if the people that surround her will make this happen, or if they will let her go on the way it is and she'll lose a part of herself in the dailiness of life.

if those beatitudes are truth, my friend will inherit much more than the earth.
blessed is she. blessed is she. blessed is she.

Spring Tease / Vocation

sitting here looking at the blue montana sky. yesterday it was black and snow was falling here and there off and on. today it's supposed to be warmer - wow, up to 44.2 degrees. my family is napping, my lap is warm from this computer, my dog is at my feet, all should be wonderful, right?

maybe all is wonderful but i'm having a hard time recognizing all the wonderfulness that happens in my bigforker little world. we're making some friends, losing touch with old friends. we're feeling at home finally. i'm feeling as if i need to find a job but have vocation issues.

visions for my future:
find a job that finds me
make enough to get out of spiral
make more than enough to stop the worry
a nomination to what not to wear after the massive weight loss
friendships that span the time and distance of my right now... wait, i already have that.

the winter is almost over and cabin fever is coming to an end. what will i do with this Spring? there is more than enough time to get things done and yet my closets are still full of winter boots, hats, gloves, snowpants (you're one up on me juliejulie) and long underwear. so, i suppose that means i'm still frozen. it's way past time to thaw out... and yet, here i sit, looking out at the blue montana sky.

Puppy Love

so we have this new puppy - Sadie - couldn't help it when we went to the pound just to "look" and next thing you know i'm up at 2:30 am taking her outside to pee. the whining was incessant. i believe that puppies are so damn cute it makes up for the whining and the messes on the floor when we aren't paying attention. somewhat like babies. at least with babies you have a few months to prepare.

we went from the pound directly to the feed store for a crate, a feeding bowl, two dog toys, and a leash. we cleaned up her barf on aisle 5. and took her home. $150 later. she is pretty damn cute.

i tried really hard not to get mad at Sadie last night. i'm sure she's missing her sister (we almost took her home too) and i know she has some abandonment issues from being left in the box in a park in downtown Kalispell... that's gotta be hard on her little pup psyche. but why take it out on us, her saviors, the ones to give her food and love and cuddles? how ungrateful. but, oh, now she's lying on my feet as i write this - curled up in a ball, fast asleep. she is pretty damn cute.

i'm thinking that in God's eyes we must look like a bunch of puppies... we just have to. He wanders into earth, and just can't help Himself... He supplies us with all the stuff we need, He feeds us, He understands our abandonment issues, so He puts up with our messes and our ungratefulness and deeply sighs when we curl up in a ball on His huge heavenly feet.

it's a good thing we're pretty damn cute.

In response to Heavenly Chocolate Frosting

I suppose that if one doesn't go to church there still has to be a way to make sense of what happens to us when we die. Thinking that the afterlife would contain the perfect Chocolate Frosting is a good start. I believe that with all that sweetness there should be some salt as well... maybe some cheddar sour cream Ripples, or honey roasted almonds.

Heaven for others may be some home made oatmeal bread fresh out of the oven and smothered with butter. My youngest was full of dinner when i brought out the bread. She then begged for a piece. I asked her if she was full or not. She said "I'm full of THIS" (pointing at what was left of her dinner), but never full enough for fresh warm bread for "dessert." That's my youngest. She is just like her dad.

My eldest, however, would have a different version of heaven. Not that she doesn't like chocolate frosting, cheddar sour cream Ripples, honey roasted almonds, or fresh baked bread. But, she would be in eternity happily munching on carrots, peanut butter and honey sandwiches, and apples. It's simple. There is nothing fancy about her - no cooking, no lists of ingredients, no mixing until smooth and creamy, no waiting.

Heaven for me is not having to make everyone else's perfect food.

I do go to church and the thought there is that food won't matter. HA! I can't imagine. The thought is that we will have no hunger (as if food has anything to do with that), that we will have no fear, we will know no coldness, or discomfort, that we will be connected to God and will have no needs. I suppose this is good--especially considering the alternative. yes, the possibly man-made scare tactic of h. e. double toothpicks. THERE, it would be liver, burnt toast, and undercooked chicken thighs.